Sometimes the hardest part of sharing our story is sharing the details of our dirty laundry. Why? Because it stinks! I am so glad that I TRULY know Jesus Christ because now I can unapologetically share my testimony without guilt or condemnation. So here it goes!
I was born in a loving family before I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. My family and I had never attended a church. We were just that family who loved each other and lived a comfortable routine. We knew God exists and we knew Jesus was His son but that was about it. I had a beautiful childhood, one that many children would love to have. Most people would have deemed me as the good girl (you know the one who obeys her parents and does what she is told). And too be honest, I was that child. However, I had temptations and sins that many innocent children become victims too. The enemy found a weakness and because I didn’t KNOW Jesus he was able to walk through an open door.
At about age nine I grew an interest into learning about sex. I cannot remember where the interest sparked from but it was there and my understanding of it grew from doing research on it to discovering pornography. And then it grew from pornography to homosexuality and on from there to sexual immorality. I became so addicted to pornography that I was able to crack the parental guidance controls to watch porn at night. Then during the daytime I would try to change the parental guidance controls on the computer so I could watch porn. Plus I was very cunning about it. I had to watch it every day.
I felt horrible and broken inside when I watched porn because I knew deep down inside it wasn’t right (even from a worldly view I knew it was wrong). I begin to lust for people of the same sex as me. I never dared to pursue a woman but the thoughts I stored in my mind were disgusting. I begin to hate myself and become ashamed of myself, which broke me to my core. I felt insecure, I would walk slouched, and I hated myself. I remember being so angry and perverted. And God still gave me his grace and loved me before I accepted His son, Jesus. I had kept that pornography and masturbation addiction hidden for years. Every single day I would masturbate enjoying that euphoric feeling but my soul was sucked dry from the guilt that fed upon my heart.
BUT GOD!! Something changed in 2003 (I was eleven years-old) for me when I went to a mass Christian conference in Boca Raton, Florida. I don’t think the devil played his cards to well that day because that whole month of June I experienced the soulful and tangible love of Jesus Christ. I remember youth all around were slain in the Holy Spirit, running, and being filled with the love of Jesus Christ in that conference room. I had never experienced such a love, such a thick presence of love, peace, and freedom. I had an encounter with Jesus. My sister and I were in the car on the way back to West Palm Beach, Florida after the conference ended. She begin to preach me to me the gospel (the good news of Jesus Christ). I fell in love with Jesus all over again. She asked me if I desired to accept Jesus as my Lord and savior and my answer was YES! She led me through the Lord’s Prayer and I broke out speaking in tongues immediately. I spoke in tongues that whole car ride, which was a whole complete hour.
I was so in love with Jesus. Those few days after I got saved I prayed and prayed in tongues and read the word. However, I still had a pornography and masturbation addiction for years because I had not truly given that addiction over to the Lord. There would be times I would say Lord forgive me but it wasn’t until I realized that my sin broke his heart. At night I could not sleep because if I dozed off it felt as though demons were choking me and sucking the life out of me. One day (a few years aft I accepted Jesus into my heart) it just hit me that I’m putting MY Savior back on the cross as though he never died for my sins, but what registered to me was that HE had died and rose for me so he can deliver me from the very temptation that would drag me to hell. I had enough and became sick and tired of that hideous addiction that robbed of the peace I felt when I got saved! I literally fell to my knees with enough tears to store into a bucket and truly asked God not only to forgive me but I CRIED LORD HELP ME PLEASE. I kept screaming HELP ME! I want to love you but I can’t with this addiction. This isn’t right! And I yelled, I RECEIVE YOUR LOVE!! That pornography addiction was rid from me instantly because I repented and GAVE the issue to Jesus, meaning it was no longer my problem. I felt Jesus’ presence fall so heavily into my room and into my heart. Now I am free. I am a whole woman who is in love with Jesus and testifying the good news and beaming as a light of hope for my sisters and brothers.
In closing, here’s some truth if you’re struggling with a pornography or sexual addiction realize that very sin can take you to hell. Hell is real, but Jesus loves you and his desire is that you live in eternally with him. He is madly in love with you and desires for you to be whole! Give the issue to him and watch him work inside of you! God Bless you!